InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Ohana means family!"

Irreparable RPG: A Harry Potter Post Hogwarts (irreparable_mod) wrote,
@ 2010-02-07 22:09:00

Drop Box

A suggestion, question, or complaint posted here will be screened and kept private to all but the mods. Please let us know if you have any ideas or apprehension. We'll try to work with you to figure out the best plot or resolution.

Please, please, please if you are ever unsure of what to do or worried about something in game, let us know. We'd rather know about issues than be blindsided.

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	brocklyhurts 2010-06-11 10:50 pm UTC (link)
	I was wondering if you could give me a few examples on some of the sentence fragments I have on Mandys profile, so I can get a general idea where to fix the mistakes. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Too long for one tag.

irreparable_mod
2010-06-11 11:24 pm UTC (link)

Mandy isn't a type of person to take on the world. She'd rather take on one task at a time. She hates procrastinating and multitasking. Mandy can be very reserved and sometimes finds it hard to talk to others about whats on her mind. But when she isn't, she can be very mouthy and sarcastic.

Those two sentences look like they may belong together, As it is the second sentence reads like a fragment because the thought of what "she isn't" is incomplete.

She can have a very bad temper and though she does her best to channel it.

Maybe the word "and" should be cut there. And and though both connect two thoughts, using them together feels like you are going to add a third thought. "She can have a very bad temper, though she does her best to channel it" would be correct. "She can have a very bad temper and, though she does her best to channel it, she is not always successful" would also be correct.

People think that she's quiet, but it's mostly not true. She is just observant. She tents to be very focused at what she is doing. She can sometimes be called a coward. She prefers to be on the defense and not the offence.

Here you should use "on the defensive" rather than defense. Also offense is spelled with an S.

Mandy doesn't like being in a large crowd of friends. She usually sticks to one or two of her close friends most of the time.

Usually and most of the time together sounds redundant.

Positive Traits: Caring. Organized. Resourceful.
Negative Traits: Stubborn. Reserved. Easily Irritated.
Likes: Charms, cats, chocolate, flying, quidditch, football, chinese food, sushi, muggle music, mystery novels.
Dislikes: Rats, large dogs, vehicles, cold weather, insects, rude people, enclosed spaces, pitch-darkness.
She can speak in Dutch fluently. Avid Researcher. Passionate. Transfiguration. Charms.
Talents: She can speak in Dutch fluently. Exceptional at playing the piano and guitar.

I'm not sure why you have "She can speak in Dutch fluently. Avid Researcher. Passionate. Transfiguration. Charms." Under dislikes.

Practical Flaws: Never learned how to swim. Dueling. Potions.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Too long for one tag.

irreparable_mod
2010-06-11 11:24 pm UTC (link)

HISTORY
Family:
Mother: Solandra Brocklehurst Née Dorny; Witch - Former Hit Witch for the DMLE.

Father: Sebastian Brocklehurst; Muggle - District Attorney (deceased 1998)
Uncle: Kane Brocklehurst; Muggleborn - traveling singer/song artist {deceased 1998}
Brother: Conan Brocklehurst; Wizard - Hufflepuff year 2003.

Paternal Grandparents: Henry and Emily Brocklehurst {both muggles, deceased}
Maternal Granparents: Donovan and Elise Dorny {both magical}

Personal History:
Born as an only child for nearly 12 years, Mandy was not spoiled as to some people would believed she was.

You have to and as together, which makes absolutely no sense. You want as. You tend to have a lot of "to" sneaking into your prose. Also "would" and "believed" do not go together. "Would believe" or "would have believed" work, but not both present tense without the presence of "have".

Rather her father was deeply devoted to her more than a parent should be. Getting her involved to any Muggle activities as he could possibly get her to take.

Fragment. There is no VERB.

Though Mandy wasn't the type of child that would take on the world all at once.

Though starts a clause that you never finish in the same sentence.

She was rather a child that would take things one at a time. Her father finally found something Mandy took a liking too.

Wrong to/too

Football.

Football is also a fragment, and while they do have places in fiction writing, in this case it would be better to use a colon. IE "Her father finally found something Mandy took a liking to: football."

Mandy started playing in a little league football when she was six as a goalie. But had to quit as soon as she got her letter to Hogwarts.

These two sentences probably should have gone together with a comma. As they are, the second is missing a subject.

When her parent’s jobs got a little demanding and both couldn't stay and watch Mandy, they would leave her at her maternal grandparents house. Though, Donovan wasn't very thrilled to have the daughter of his bloodtraiter daughter and her filthy Muggle husband in his house, Solandra knew he would never harm someone of his own blood. Or so she thought. Donovan locked Mandy in a broom closet for somehow tricking him into freeing his house elf. Ever since Mandy has been claustrophobic. Mandy parents never left her at her grandparents again after that.

It wasn't a surprise when Mandy received her letter to Hogwarts. Her mother came from a very old wizarding family. And her father, though a Muggle, had a younger brother who is a wizard.

You should rarely start a sentence with "And."

The thought of leaving her parents to go to off to a school for nine months, her parents assured her that she would be coming home during the holidays.

The second clause of the sentence (after the comma) would stand on its own, but the opening clause is a fragment that does not sensibly attach to it. You really need to rewrite that whole first part. "The thought of leaving her parents to go off to school for nine months" is a big subject, but it does not have a verb attached to it and you already have a subject attached to the second half of the clause.

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Re: Too long for one tag.

irreparable_mod
2010-06-11 11:25 pm UTC (link)

Mandy had a hard time making friends at first. It took her no more than two months to get used to the accommodations of living in the Ravenclaw Commonroom and the girls dormitory. And it took a week after that to finally acquaintance herself to her dorm mates and housemates completely.

Don't start with "and." "Acquaintance" is a nounce, "Acquaint" is a verb. You want the verb.

In her last year of Hogwarts, Mandy's father and uncle were killed in the rein of The Dark Lord and his followers. Soon after her Mother and her little brother went into hiding in the Netherlands with her maternal grandmother. This tore Mandy in two, as she was stuck in Hogwarts and wanted to be there with them. In the Battle of Hogwarts, Mandy was helping Madam Promfrey heal all the wounded students.

A rein holds a horse, a reign is the period of rule for a tryant.

After Hogwarts, Mandy took a year to study for her N.E.W.Ts. She is now living the life she imagined she would be living after school. Living in cottage working as a Healer in St Mungos.

An opening clause with no verb.

SAMPLES
In-Character Journal Sample:
I found this journal collecting dust in my little brother’s trunk. It seems he wasn’t too interested in after buying it a month or two ago.

Are you missing the word "it"? I'm not sure what exactly is trying to be said here.

He wasn’t too happy that I was in his stuff and organizing his trunk. Though, my organizing his schoolbooks, robes and gundam collection will be in vain as he always seems to get it very messy and unruly by the time he goes back to Hogwarts. At least he’s given up on trying to convince Mum and I to get him a griffin for a pet. I can tell he’s going to love Care of Magical Creatures when he starts is 3rd year.

He seemed to throw away the only photo I had of him in a telly tubby costume, pity. Now I don't have anything to blackmail tease him with.

It’s getting warmer everyday here in Dorset. I had to resort in using a cooling spell to keep my house from becoming an oven. If I could swim I would be at the beach or a community pool instead of staying at home baking in this heat. Even my cat Phobos can is being affected by this heat wave. I found him in my room, soaking wet and getting my bed sheets completely soggy. I think he decided he had enough and sit under the sprinklers.

"Can" is a verb, as is "is". Cut "can" and keep "is". I'm not sure why you have two verbs there.

I'm in need of a new mystery novel. And a drink. Definitely a drink.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Too long for one tag.

irreparable_mod
2010-06-11 11:25 pm UTC (link)

In-Character (3rd Person) RP Sample:
It was a long day at work. Mandy had to treat a patient who thought it was a good idea to use superglue to fix their wand and then try to fix his broken nose. Instead of fixing his nose, he just made things worse for him.

Himself.

Needless to say, he learned his lesson the hard way, and Mandy sent him with a fixed nose and a lecture about why using muggle inventions to fix magical ones.

You don't need the comma before "and." "And" does the job of the comma. Also the second bolded example is incomplete. "About why using muggle inventions to fix magical ones..." where is the rest of that?

After that ordeal, she had to treat someone who had his skin literally melting, by trying potion experiments.

I'm not sure if you meant that comma to be there. It's separating two thoughts that seem to go together. By would join them effectively.

The poor guy had to take half a dozen potions just to get his skin to stop melting, and three more just to regain the skin he lost. After a few hours of recuperation, he was finally sent home.

She didn’t hate her job. Oh no. She enjoyed it much so. She just didn’t understand how some people could be so reckless sometimes. But, she shouldn’t complain. If people didn’t try to invent new spells or potions and get injured in the process, she wouldn’t have many patients to take care of.

Mandy entered The Leaky Cauldron, sitting at her usual spot and ordered a strawberry daiquiri. Taking out Deeper than the Dead by Tami Hoag and opened up to the page she book marked.

The second clause of the sentence (after the comma) would stand on its own, but the opening clause is a fragment that does not sensibly attach to it. You really need to rewrite that whole first part. "The thought of leaving her parents to go off to school for nine months" is a big subject, but it does not have a verb attached to it and you already have a subject attached to the second half of the clause.

Taking there brings up some problems. There is confusion between tense and agreement for Taking and Opened. If you fix the tense on one, you make a fragment. If you fix the tense on the other, you are missing a subject. However, if you replace the word "and" with she and put a comma after the author, you make a valid complex sentence.

Reading a few sentences before other people distracted her. She glanced around, checking to see if maybe she saw someone she knew, before going back to her book.

Fragment.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

asgoodasgold
2010-06-16 09:31 pm UTC (link)

So, Aurora and I have been talking about a plot for Anthony and Terry that involves some action/adventure. Anthony wants to find this guy who makes magical prosthetics (like Mad-Eye Moody's eye), but he disappeared during the War and hadn't been seen in Britain since. Turns out he's hiding/hanging out in Israel, and Terry, with his super spy connections, has found out where. Anthony and Terry go there, talk to him and he agrees to help Anthony... but as soon as he starts, these bad guys come in... mafia types who are out to get the man... there's a wand fight! and a broom chase to get away! Terry helps lead the bad guys away while the man finishes up helping Anthony. Anthony gets a new arm, but Terry is missing. Anthony goes out and locates him. Together, they leave and all ends well.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	irreparable_mod 2010-06-16 09:35 pm UTC (link)
	I don't see any problem wit this. Sounds like you two have it thought out. I assume you are going to puppet the OCs? (Reply to this) (Parent)

absoluteastoria
2010-08-21 08:43 am UTC (link)

I was looking at who the friend-all button had added to my list, because I was curious who I still needed to be friended back by, and found

ms_lavender is still on the button despite

lavenderlion seemingly being the game's new Lavender.

grows_tail is still on the button as someone to add as well - which I'm not sure if you want him on there or not, given that the game's other deceased of Romilda is set to be removed from lists.

Not a complaint at all - just figuring to mention it to help out a little? ^^;;

(Reply to this) (Thread)

	irreparable_mod 2010-08-21 04:23 pm UTC (link)
	Ooh thanks. I didn't notice Lavender. I was just keeping Marcus b.c he's dead. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	absoluteastoria 2010-08-25 02:20 pm UTC (link)
	Glad to have helped. (-: Out of curiosity, are there any more "wanted" characters than others at the game? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	irreparable_mod 2010-08-25 03:31 pm UTC (link)
	The band wants a drummer. Hannah Abbott's hold never came through (info on her, here), Hermione would be nice for Ron. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	bloodybole 2010-11-17 09:58 pm UTC (link)
	oh, one last thing before i start playing. may i have bole acquire a journal purely by chance by finding one carelessly left in a park by someone (it doesn't have to be anyone in the game, just someone somewhere). That way he might have some inspiration to start being active again... (Reply to this) (Thread)

	irreparable_mod 2010-11-17 11:41 pm UTC (link)
	That's totally cool. If you wanna be extra creepy, he could have a dead character's journal. Miles Bletchley was killed by an Acromantula set loose, Romilda Vane was murdered by Eddie Carmichael (not DE related) and Penny Clearwater was mauled by a werewolf Death Eater who took the bite from Fenrir. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	bloodybole 2010-11-18 12:02 am UTC (link)
	Ooo, I get a choice! In which case, I think the most logical choice would be Penelope Clearwater. That way Bole might've gotten it from said Death Eater or... something... It made sense the first time I thought about it... (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	irreparable_mod 2010-11-18 12:16 am UTC (link)
	It would make sense that she could have had it on her when she died. Someone seeking a trophy might have taken it from the funeral home. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	sara_isa_barbie 2011-01-08 05:36 pm UTC (link)
	This is Sara (lavenderlion, the former Lavender), and it turns out all the stuff that was killing all my time was been figured out during my break. I really miss this game, and was wondering if it was alright for me to reapply for Lavender? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	irreparable_mod 2011-01-08 10:17 pm UTC (link)
	Sure. Just submit your application. (Reply to this) (Parent)